Too Hot Four Hula: 4 (The Tiki Goddess Mystery Series) Read online

  “Good luck.”

  “I’ll take it, but I hope I won’t need it.”

  “Maybe if you settle the past, you’ll be able to heat things up with your detective.” Sophie winked.

  “He’s not my detective,” Em said.

  “So you say. Seems like it to me.”

  Em couldn’t deny sparks flew whenever she was around Roland Sharpe, the tall, dark, and handsome hapa-Hawaiian detective who moonlighted as a fire knife dancer at luau shows. But it was too soon after a messy divorce to ride that wave again.

  “Where is he? I thought he’d be here tonight,” Sophie said.

  “He ended up on a case.”

  “Wonder if it had anything to do with all the cop cars that raced by headed north a few minutes ago?”

  “Probably. He called about forty minutes before. That would have given him time to drive out here.”

  “Too bad he won’t be here.” Sophie nodded toward the ladies’ room door. “Looks like the old girls are good to go. Kiki said she has a special number planned.”

  “When doesn’t she plan something special?”

  “Hopefully they won’t set the place on fire tonight.”

  “I told her all dances that involve flaming coconuts or anything to do with fire are kapu. Don’t let them try anything dangerous while we’re gone.”

  The last time Kiki and the Maidens performed a “special” number they’d nearly burned the place down, though the incident inspired the flaming cocktail that Louie entered into the regionals.

  “How much damage can they do in a week?” Sophie wondered.

  “Don’t even go there.” Em saw Louie waving her over to the table and waved back.

  “I’ve got this,” Sophie said. “Go join Louie. The show’s about to start.”

  “You sure?”

  “Go. Your dinner is probably cold by now.”

  “No worries. Kimo’s macadamia nut-crusted seared ahi is perfect hot or cold.”

  Em left the bar and threaded her way across the room to a table right in front of the stage. Her uncle was holding court wearing a pile of lei from well-wishers. They were so thick around his neck they nearly reached his chin.

  Completely oblivious of the humidity, he looked as dashing and debonair as ever in one of the colorful silk aloha shirts from his vast collection of originals made in the forties. Loose white linen pants completed his outfit. His thick white hair and golden tan accentuated his deep blue eyes. Six foot two and in great shape, Louie could command a room with his megawatt smile.

  “Here she is.” He rose and pulled out Em’s chair with a flourish and remained standing until she was seated. “Em, you know everyone, don’t you?”

  She smiled at the people gathered the table and nodded.

  “Of course. Thank you all for coming.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Jack Robbins, the part-timer from New York, had to yell to be heard over the din. The crowd nearly drowned out the Tiki Tones, the three-pieced combo playing old retro Hawaiian tunes on stage. “We’re delighted to be here!” Jack pounded Louie on the back with one hand and fanned himself with a dessert menu with the other. “Louie and Irene were the first people we ever met when we bought our condo here thirty years ago. Never saw two people as full of aloha, that’s for sure.”

  “They were quite a team,” Em agreed.

  A life-sized portrait of Louie’s deceased wife, Irene Kakaulanipuakaulani Hickam Marshall graced the wall above the stage. Irene appeared to be smiling her regal Hawaiian smile down on the revelers. Each evening Louie wrapped up the nightly entertainment with a song he had written especially for Irene, his Tiki Goddess. All the old timers, the kama’aina, and the newcomers, malihini, joined in to help Louie salute the one true love of his life.

  Em took a bite of her ahi. It was so delicious she stifled a moan of delight. Kimo, their chef, was Kiki’s husband. He had outdone himself tonight. The thick fillet of ahi was seared to perfection. His aioli sauce to die for, and the ahi was nestled on a creamy bed of whipped purple sweet potatoes.

  “Aren’t you having a Great Ball of Fire?” Annette Robbins, Jack’s wife, was a blonde. She was seated across from Em. She held up her glass for a toast.

  “I’m fine with water.” Em figured it best to stay clearheaded while the Hula Maidens were on stage. She picked up her water glass. “Plenty of time for a drink later. Cheers, though.”

  Just then Brandon, one of the Tiki Tones, executed a drumroll, and the leader of the band Danny Cook slipped into MC mode.

  “A-looo-ha!” he shouted.

  “A-looo-ha!” The crowd called back. Cheering and whistling commenced. Danny waited until the audience died down then said, “You all know why we’re here.”

  “Eo!” someone yelled in Hawaiian.

  “Well, just in case you maybe stumbled in here off the cruise ship and have no idea whazzup, we’re here to give Uncle Louie Marshall, owner of the Tiki Goddess, a big send off. As most of you know, tomorrow he’s going to Oahu to do us all proud at the Western Regionals of the National Cocktail Shake Off competition.”

  Brandon hit a drumroll again. The crowd roared. Beaming from ear to ear, Louie got to his feet and waved to the assemblage. He stepped on stage, his eyes suspiciously bright when he took the mic. He let his gaze roam the room before he spoke.

  Em knew Louie loved nothing more than packing the place full of people from all walks of life to share a few hours of fun. He truly was the ambassador of aloha and good times.

  “Thank you all for being here tonight to celebrate with us. I’m so thankful for all of your support and aloha. I’m really looking forward to heading to the contest even though I’m never anxious to leave Kauai. As you all know, Kauai no ka ‘oi. Kauai is da best!”

  He waited for the thunderous applause and wolf whistles to die down.

  “I’m excited that my niece, Em, is accompanying me to Waikiki. She’s been such a big help that she deserves a little holoholo too.” He paused and chuckled. “For those of you who don’t know, holoholo means to take a pleasurable trip. Hopefully, it’ll be really pleasurable, and I’ll be bringing home a trophy to share with all of you.”

  Louie opened his arms to include the whole room and made a gracious bow before he turned the mic back over to Danny.

  Danny glanced toward the small alcove between the ladies’ room and the bar where Kiki and the others waited just out of sight.

  “The Hula Maidens are anxious to perform for you tonight, so without further ado, here’s their leader, Kiki Godwin!”

  A hush fell over the room. Fans of the reality television series Trouble in Paradise knew Kiki was the outspoken leader of the troupe of aging dancers. The minute she appeared the crowd went wild. Cameras and cell phones came out, and people jockeyed to get a better shot of her in her full performance regalia.

  Her faux-leopard, off-the-shoulder full length sarong was so tight it forced her to take mincing steps. When she reached the stage, Danny offered his hand. She smiled at the crowd, shrugged, winked, and hiked up her skirt in order to manage the steps.

  Her hair was swept into a tight bun on the crown of her head and held in place with a pair of long ebony chopsticks. Small golden tikis dangled from the ends. Kohl eyeliner swept almost all the way to her temple to give her an exotic Asian look. Her false eyelashes were so thick they looked like fans flapping up and down when she blinked. Her lips were bright crimson outlined in deep magenta.

  She waited in silence, drinking in the applause while the crowd cheered and continued to snap photos. Kiki turned left and right, striking poses that would have been sexy if she were thirty years younger. Now they were just odd. With her heavy lashes flapping and golden tikis bobbing, she was a sight to behold, and she milked every minute.

  Finally Danny waved his
arms and motioned for everyone to sit. As people settled back into their chairs, Kiki blew into the mic to test it.

  In a low, seductive voice she began, “You’ve all seen the movie South Pacific, haven’t you?”

  There was scattered applause, and some folks even answered back.

  “Well, if you haven’t, you should. It was filmed right here on Kauai in 1957, back when folks on the mainland were working hard to buy their first homes and nice cars in the suburbs. But every once in a while some of those hardworking folks dared to dream of traveling somewhere that was still primitive, somewhere forbidden, somewhere that spoke to the savage in all of them.

  “So they gathered around barbecues in their backyards, mixed up cocktails with exotic names like Mai Tais and Singapore Slings, and after couple of sips they were dreaming of hot tropic nights, trade winds, and palm trees. They dreamed of tearing off their neckties and aprons and sailing away to distant shores where they could dance to the beat of native drums and either chase pagan goddesses or become one.”

  She paused and took a long, slow breath and let the crowd imagine. Then in just above a whisper she said, “Tonight we will present what we call our Dance of the Pagan Goddesses just for you. This dance is dedicated to Uncle Louie, and we sincerely hope it brings him luck at the Shake Off. So now, without further ado, the Hula Maidens are proud to present our rendition of ‘Bali Hai,’ from the movie South Pacific.”

  3

  KIKI SLOWLY TURNED and mermaid-walked off the stage. Everyone in the room waited in breathless anticipation.

  Danny stepped up to the mic holding a conch shell in his hands. Brandon began a slow and steady drumbeat. Em glanced over at Louie who was as mesmerized as the rest of the crowd. She wished she could relax, but there was no telling what Kiki and the others had cooked up. All she could do was pray it wasn’t dangerous.

  The Maidens filed on stage more or less (mostly less) moving in time to Brandon’s steady drumbeat. Eventually there were seven of them crowded on stage: Kiki, of course, and then came Flora Carillo, trinket shop owner. There was Suzi Matamoto, a successful North Shore realtor, Big Estelle Huntington, a retiree so named because of her Amazonian height and also to distinguish her from Little Estelle, her ninety-two-year-old mother who was also named Estelle. They were joined by Trish Oakley, a professional photographer, as well as Lillian Smith, a recent Iowa transplant, and Precious Cottrell, a hairdresser who was a little person and the newest member of the troupe.

  All of the Maidens were dressed in ultra-tight, off-the-shoulder leopard print sarongs just like Kiki’s. In her leopard print with her top knot speared with chopsticks, Precious reminded Em of Pebbles on The Flintstones. She had taken to dancing with the group like a duck to water.

  Watching Precious’s short legs tackle the low steps to the stage, Em tapped Louie on the shoulder.

  When he leaned toward her she asked, “Do you think we should build a ramp for Precious?”

  Louie leaned closer to Em’s ear and whispered, “If we build a ramp then Little Estelle can ride that motorized sit-down contraption onto the stage. We’d never get her off.”

  “You’re right. Bad idea.”

  Little Estelle got into enough trouble off stage. Supposedly a former Rockette, she sped around on a Gadabout, a powered scooter equipped with an irritating horn. She attended every Hula Maiden meeting and performance with her daughter.

  Little Estelle had been a bit down ever since her break up with Lars, the twenty-year-old boy toy she’d hooked up with through iLoveCougars.com. She bemoaned the fact that after she made the mistake of telling him if he ever left her she’d have him neutered by one of the local pig hunters, Lars escaped and fled back to Finland, or Iceland, or somewhere in Scandinavia.

  At the moment Little Estelle was parked as close to the front door as she could get and still see the show. The tray on the front of her Gadabout was already lined with empty cocktail glasses.

  “Bali Hai will call you . . .”

  The band started the haunting melody and lyrics in fits and starts. The Hula Maidens began to dance, and things were a bit uneven until finally they were all sort of moving as one. The crowd went wild with applause. The din nearly drowned out the band.

  Louie leaned close again and yelled in Em’s ear. “Where’s Pat Boggs?”

  Em glanced around, afraid to take her gaze off the stage. She didn’t see the Maidens’ Sergeant-at-Arms anywhere.

  She shrugged at Louie and mouthed, “I don’t know. She should be around.”

  The number went on and on, repeating the verses and the chorus until everyone in the room was bellowing, “Baaaaliiiii Haiiiii will call you,” along with the band until there was a collective gasp. The single strap holding up Precious’s sarong had suddenly snapped, and it dipped low, exposing her left breast.

  Trying to avoid a complete wardrobe malfunction, she grabbed the strap and clamped it between her teeth. The move saved her from further exposure, but she lost her timing just as the Maidens were nearing their big finale.

  The women were whirling their arms like windmills when Precious fell out of step. She moved left when she should have gone right and crashed into Big Estelle who rammed into Flora. Flora whipped around, and her wrist ended up slapping Lillian smack in the mouth. Precious ricocheted off of Big Estelle and rolled off the stage then bounced down the steps.

  Lillian burst into tears. Em expected her to run off the stage, but to her credit, Lil kept dancing until the final strains of “Bali Hai” drifted away. Then, covering her injured lip with her hand, Lillian ran down the steps and stumbled over Precious, who had just managed to get to her feet. Thankfully there were so many people jammed around the stage Lillian wasn’t launched across the room. She then crashed into a male tourist wearing an “I Love Kauai” T-shirt. He grabbed her and kept her from toppling over.

  “So far this is not as bad as last time,” Louie said.

  “What happened last time?” Annette from New York wanted to know.

  “See the woman with the pink hair who just ran off stage?” He nodded toward Lillian.

  “Yes?”

  “Last time they performed a special number she set her hair on fire.”

  “Oh no!” Annette stared at Lil.

  “Thankfully it was a wig,” Em added.

  “Still, it was pretty darned memorable,” Louie said.

  On stage, Kiki had the mic in her hand again. She turned to her squad.

  “Maidens, please stay in place for the presentation,” she said.

  “Uh oh.” Louie looked at Em. “What’s up?”

  “I have no idea,” she whispered.

  “Probably giving me a going away gift.” Louie straightened in his chair and looked up expectantly.

  Precious had dusted herself off and was back on stage. Lillian was still sniffling, but no one was paying any attention. The tourist who had caught her patted her on the back until her husband MyBob took over. When Kiki shot a glare in their direction, Lillian pulled herself together and sulked back up to the stage to join the others.

  Kiki slowly surveyed the crowd, waiting for everyone to settle down. The Maidens, lined up in very wide faux-leopard behind her, smiled and waved at the audience.

  “Drumroll, please Brandon,” Kiki urged.

  Brandon hit the drum. Pat Boggs, Kiki’s second in command, appeared around the back of the bar carrying a large manila envelope. She wore a casual shirt made of leopard print, blue jeans, and cowboy boots.

  “He looks like a woman,” Jack Robbins said.

  “You mean she looks like a man,” Annette corrected.

  “That’s Pat,” Uncle Louie informed them. “Pat keeps the Maidens in line for Kiki. Used to be a sergeant in the Army or a Marine or something bad-assed.”

  Pat waved at the crowd as she bounded o
nto the stage.

  “The ahhhn-velope please.” A ripple of laughter followed Kiki’s dramatics.

  Pat handed it over. Kiki looked at Louie.

  “We love you so much, Uncle Louie. We’re so proud that you’ve entered the Shake Off Regional competition. We just know you’ll win.”

  Her gaze shifted as she took in the crowd. “What an exciting time for the Goddess and everyone here on Kauai, to think one of our very own is going to be in the spotlight.”

  “Did she forget you all starred in that TV show?” Annette asked Em.

  Em shrugged. Not knowing what Kiki had conjured up had her holding her breath. She reminded herself to breathe.

  Kiki was still at the mic. “Louie, we pictured you in Waikiki all alone, and we could hardly bear it.”

  “All alone?” Em mumbled. “What am I? Chopped liver?”

  Kiki held a long dramatic pause and let her gaze roam the audience before she turned to the other Maidens and yelled into the mic. “One, two, three!”

  “We’re going with you!” the Maidens yelled, and then they started clapping and jumping up and down.

  Tears streamed down Lillian’s face. It flushed as pink as her hair. Her upper lip was swelling. Kiki’s eyes were suspiciously bright, though probably from the martinis she’d downed earlier and not actual tears.

  In shock, Em glanced at her uncle. Louie’s smile faltered for a nanosecond, but he quickly recovered his suave demeanor. On stage, the Maidens were still clapping and hugging each other. Still parked by the door at the other side of the bar, Little Estelle passed out. Her head flopped forward onto her scooter horn, and the constant shrill beep added to the din. Finally someone gently nudged her head off the horn.

  Kiki held up the large manila envelope. “This contains our tickets to Oahu. Not only were we able to raise enough money for new costumes, but by some complete miracle, all of us were able to get on the same flight with Louie and Em. We’ll meet you at Lihue airport tomorrow morning, and away we go!”